Kaka And Lampard Lash Out

Kaka today distanced himself from his current club with the words, “In six days with the Brazilian team doctors I have improved more than in five weeks with those of Milan.” It therefore seems that the midfield maestro will be on his way in the summer, but will he be going to Manchester City or Real Madrid? Asked exactly this question, Kaka replied, "City seem like a good prospect. That bloke with the sun tan said if I listened to him, in a year's time I could be famous."

In other news, Frank "Bunter" Lampard has claimed that younger players are too pampered and would be better served under the old apprentice system, doing thinks like cleaning the boots of first team players. Nedum Onouha has raised objection to this. "He's a lazy b**t**d," said Nedum. "This is all because Shaun Wright-Phillips wouldn't go to the shop for him this week and get him a family bag of Maltesers."

Gary Cook Walks Out In April Fools Blunder

Fan site Vital Football's attempt at an April Fool's joke backfired badly today. The web site reported that City's owners ADUG had sacked Gary Cook over the problems with the Kaka transfer. Well aware of the date, no-one fell for the whimsy, except, apparently, a Mr. G. Cook, who can no longer be contacted by the club, having packed his bags and taken the family to the Canaries.

"I called in his office this morning," said manager Mark Hughes, "and he was nowhere to be found. I did him the favour of ripping up the note he had left, because I don't think the owners would have appreciated some of the particularly well-chosen words, particularly "b**t***s" and "tosspots.""