Kaka And Lampard Lash Out

Kaka today distanced himself from his current club with the words, “In six days with the Brazilian team doctors I have improved more than in five weeks with those of Milan.” It therefore seems that the midfield maestro will be on his way in the summer, but will he be going to Manchester City or Real Madrid? Asked exactly this question, Kaka replied, "City seem like a good prospect. That bloke with the sun tan said if I listened to him, in a year's time I could be famous."

In other news, Frank "Bunter" Lampard has claimed that younger players are too pampered and would be better served under the old apprentice system, doing thinks like cleaning the boots of first team players. Nedum Onouha has raised objection to this. "He's a lazy b**t**d," said Nedum. "This is all because Shaun Wright-Phillips wouldn't go to the shop for him this week and get him a family bag of Maltesers."

Gary Cook Walks Out In April Fools Blunder

Fan site Vital Football's attempt at an April Fool's joke backfired badly today. The web site reported that City's owners ADUG had sacked Gary Cook over the problems with the Kaka transfer. Well aware of the date, no-one fell for the whimsy, except, apparently, a Mr. G. Cook, who can no longer be contacted by the club, having packed his bags and taken the family to the Canaries.

"I called in his office this morning," said manager Mark Hughes, "and he was nowhere to be found. I did him the favour of ripping up the note he had left, because I don't think the owners would have appreciated some of the particularly well-chosen words, particularly "b**t***s" and "tosspots.""

City Face Competition From United In Inflatables Craze

Manchester United today announced an intention to compete with local rivals Manchester City on the use of inflatables. "We do admit that City had the idea first," said a spokesman for the Stretford-based club, "but with our sponsors in such trouble and with the size of our debt we need as much cash flowing in as possible. And we do think we've taken the idea to an entirely new level."

Competing with other local non-Manchester teams like Bury, Bolton and Oldham is a full-time task for the United commercial office, but they hope to make a killing with the new inflatables. "They are designed as full scale replicas of the players", the spokesman said. "The intention is that fans will take them into the ground and sit on them. Most models are doing well, but we're not selling many of John O'Shea."

Pele And Robinho In New Bust-Up

Legendary senile Brazilian footballer Pele, 97, today apologised and claimed that he was misquoted again after Manchester City failure Robinho threatened to sue him for the second time in a week. "Maybe there's been a misunderstanding because I didn't say he enjoyed clubbing seals to death at all, maybe they took him the wrong information," Pele said in comments broadcast on Brazilian television. "I was merely comparing the stigma of being accused of clubbing seals to death with the stigma of being accused of leaving a training camp without permission. Although I didn't mention the second bit."

Robinho is disgracefully no better than fourth leading scorer in the Premiership at the time of writing despite the obscene amount of money paid for him in a secret deal. It is known that City manager Mark Hughes only found out about the signing when Robinho walked into a press conference and handed Hughes a Kaka shirt as a getting to know you present.

Bojinov Injury Curse Strikes Again

Manchester City striker Valeri Bojinov joined Dimitar Berbatov on the sidelines this weekend in avoiding playing for Bulgaria against Ireland. Queried about the extent of his injury, Bojinov advised journalists, "I do not know exactly. Let me ring Mr. Hughes and ask him."